Public Awareness

OPDV Bulletin:
Victim-Blaming vs. Offender Accountability - That Nagging Question: Why Doesn't She Leave?


At the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, this is the question that we hear over and over again. It's a logical question, isn't it? If she's being abused, she shouldn't stand for it or she should leave. It makes sense...unless you're in her shoes.


This OPDV Bulletin will attempt to address some of the many issues connected with that old question. It is our strong opinion that while we can - and repeatedly do - answer this question, it is the wrong question to be asking. It is a classic example of victim-blaming. Think about this: domestic violence is the only crime - other than sexual assault - that is somehow viewed as the victim's fault.


"Victim-Blaming"

"I wouldn't let that happen to me." "She seems to go for those types." "Why did he hit her? What did she do?" "She knows how to push his buttons." "It takes two to tango." "If it was really bad, she'd leave." "What about the kids? Doesn't she care about them?" "Why does she put up with that?" "Why doesn't she just leave?"

The short answer is: leaving the abuser is an extremely complicated process and not necessarily the safest move for the victim. Many studies document the fact that the most dangerous time for a victim is when she is leaving or has recently left the abuser. In fact, the New York State Commission on Domestic Violence Fatalities reviewed domestic violence homicides and found that 75% of the victims had terminated, or had indicated an intention to terminate, the relationship at the time of the homicide. For a more thorough explanation of why victims stay with their abusers, see the articles "Why Do Battered Women Feel Trapped?" and "Why Doesn't She Leave?" by Ann Jones.


Victim-blaming frequently occurs when children are involved. Protecting the children is of paramount importance to domestic violence advocates, child protective workers, and mothers, yet the first reaction may be to remove them from a home in which domestic violence is occurring. But that may not be in the best interests of the children, their mother, or the rest of the family. It re-victimizes the victim and it does nothing to address the root problem. A significant court decision involving this very issue is described in The Nicholson Case. Rather than assigning responsibility to the victim, we need to hold the abuser accountable.


What's the Right Question?

What we should be asking is: "How can he get away with this?" "How can he be stopped?" "What can I do?" In the field, we talk about "offender accountability." (The word "offender" can be used interchangeably with "perpetrator" and "batterer." "Accountability" means holding him solely responsible for his actions.) How is offender accountability accomplished? It is our long-standing opinion that a coordinated response from the community (police, courts, schools, social service agencies, clergy, health care providers, the media and the general public - friends and neighbors) is the key. No one "system" can do it alone.

Certainly swift and strong criminal justice sanctions like arrest, time in jail, restraining orders, probation, and court-mandated programs can help send the message that violent behavior will not be tolerated. Social sanctions are also enormously powerful. People want to be accepted by their peers, and the fear of losing friends shouldn't be underestimated. The article, "Understanding and Ending Violence Against Women" describes how men can help other men by taking a stand against domestic violence.

The layperson can also do his or her part by examining the words that we use to describe victims, batterers and domestic violence. The wrong words perpetuate old beliefs and stereotypes; the right words may educate others and help make subtle shifts to a world view. See "What are We Saying?" for some examples. Also, the article, "What is the Media Saying?" provides a review and analysis of the language used in headlines. It offers journalists an opportunity to examine how they report domestic violence, and it offers the reader some suggestions on how to become an informed news consumer.


As you go through your day today - and every day - pay attention to what you see and hear. You may discover that domestic violence and the underlying social tolerance that perpetuates it is far more pervasive than you realized. There are things you can do to help bring awareness to this important issue. And always remember: It is never the victim's fault. No one deserves to be abused. All people have a right to be safe.


Special note: We know that there are men who are abused by women and that domestic violence occurs in gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgender relationships. But since the vast majority of reported domestic violence is male to female and the question being addressed here - "Why doesn't she leave?" - refers to women leaving their male partners, this issue will use the pronouns "she" and "he" accordingly. However, many of the same principles will apply to all types of intimate relationships.