What Do Professionals Need to Know?

Mental Health

Overview of the Issue: Responding to clients who are abusive

Recognize entitlement beliefs and manipulations

Entitlement beliefs may include:

• I have the right to an extremely high degree of control over my partner’s behavior, feelings, opinions – over her life in general. 

• She belongs to me – I get to treat her however I wish.

• I have the right to use violence to enforce my control.

Because of these entitlement attitudes, an abuser will engage in some predictable manipulations during his sessions, including:

• Rationalizing his behavior (“I was only trying to…”), so you will see it as justifiable.

• Describing his partner inaccurately, and lying about her, to convince you that she should “meet him halfway”.

• Talking about his partner (or women in general) in ways that are lacking in empathy, condescending, contemptuous, and disrespectful.  (If you yourself are male, he may try to get you to bond with him around such attitudes.)

Focus on accountability

While you don’t have the authority to impose consequences for abusive behavior (the real meaning of ‘holding him accountable’), you can point out the harm his behavior does to his partner and children and challenge his entitlement attitudes, control tactics and rationalizations.  For instance:

• If he violates an order of protection, remind him that only he is responsible for obeying it.  Confront the excuse, “I was just trying to…”

• If he talks about his partner as an object (e.g., only referring to her as “my wife,” not by name), label the attitude of ownership and insist that he talk about her differently.

• If he makes threats, take them seriously.  Remember your duty to warn.  Confront the minimization, “She knows I’d never hurt her.”

• If he uses his being in treatment to manipulate his partner and tries to involve you in helping him do this, refuse and confront.

• If he uses a custody battle to retaliate against his partner for leaving, name this behavior.  Confront the rationalization, “I just love my children so much.”  Never advocate for the courts to award an identified abuser custody of his children or unsupervised visitation with them.